CincyWhimsy likes to keep things positive. However, after reading today's dismal article on Buzzfeed: "31 Ways To Tell You're From Cincinnati," we decided to issue a cheeky, more accurate portrayal of Queen City natives.

The author, Paul Franke, a Twitter-proclaimed Cincinnatian, provided dated observances that echoed of someone who visited their cousin here. Once. In 2001. His credentials of "sitting by the pool and looking hot" as well as "joker/writer" have garnered him a low-ranking on Buzzfeed's funny scale. The user rating system, which is based on internet cat memes, ranked Franke a Grumpy Cat "NO."  We couldn't agree more.


1.) You know how to correctly spell Servatii and Procter & Gamble.

2.) No matter how early you plan ahead, you never call quick enough to reserve one of the 250 spaces to annually tour the Cincinnati Subway.


3.) You get excited about giving blood at Great American Ball Park during Hoxworth's Reds Week.

4.) Goettafest is a four-day holiday weekend.

5.) The only reason you avoided driving through Over The Rhine was because the swell of 20,000 visitors to Washington Park spilled out onto four adjacent streets.

6.) You can't wait for Coffee Emporium to open an outpost in your part of town.

7.) You know that Smale Park rhymes with snail and is not pronounced smally.


8.) You wish Putz's Creamy Whip or The Cone stayed open year-round.

9.) You outgrew eating at Buffalo Wild Wings in college and now get scrumptious, award-winning wings at Knockback Nat's.

10.) You eat with your family at Montgomery Inn. You eat with your friends at Eli's BBQ.

11.) You don't think twice about driving from Ohio to Kentucky, then back to Ohio, then to Kentucky.

12.) You're a fan of the Reds not only because they play good baseball, but because they were the first professional baseball team in U.S. history. 

13.)  KungFood Chu's Amerasia has blown your mind with their quality Chinese food.

14.) It will all get better if you can make it past the Norwood Lateral during rush hour.

15.) Midpoint Music Festival is your Woodstock.

16.) Skyline is good, but your neighborhood mom-and-pop chili parlor is better.

17.) You're waiting for the East Side to come up with a catchy phrase to compete with "West Side is the Best Side."

18.) Belgian waffles are considered local fare.

19.) Crosstown rival games now encompass both basketball and roller derby.

20.) You know someone who's moved away to New York, Chicago, or Los Angeles only to return to Cincinnati for its livability and entrepreneurial opportunities.

21.) You know someone on a waiting list to get an apartment in Over The Rhine.

22.) A new microbrewery opens up every Friday.

23.) You go to The Banks to watch the Reds' Friday Night Fireworks in comfort and style.

24.) During Paddlefest, the Cardboard Boat Race, and Jimmy Buffett concerts, there are more people in the Ohio river than fish. 

25.) You visit the "Indian Strip" on Ludlow Avenue in Clifton for the area's largest concentration of curry options.

26.) You refer to Hamilton Avenue in Northside as the "Northside Taco District."

27.) You have a difficult time choosing which of the dozen Thai restaurants in Oakley to eat at.

28.) It's hard to describe 21C to visitors. Are you going to a hotel, contemporary art gallery, or swanky rooftop bar?

29.) You excitedly watch the redevelopment of Walnut Hills and Price Hill. 

30.) Artworks Murals are your personal game of Where's Waldo.

31.) You have to schedule yourself some alone time. Every weekend you're either at NOM, City Flea, Second Sunday on Main, Final Friday, First Friday, Second Saturday in Northside, or one of the countless other activities popping up in the tri-state.